Moon in Cancer

I have found myself wanting to write here all week long, but unsure of what to post. In the Project Downsize area, I took a ton of before-and-after pics of my bathroom decluttering and reorg, and I got a lot done in my closet too. But I ended up not wanting to write about that. I also thought I’d maybe do one of those this-is-what-I’m-packing posts for my trip to Portland this weekend, but the week has gotten away from me and I haven’t even gotten my suitcase out.

It’s been a very happy week. Even two days of some of the worst traffic ever (like it took 40 minutes just to get out of my office complex on Tuesday – then another 40 minutes home!!!) couldn’t bring me down. I don’t know if I’m still riding on that half-marathon high, or I have a good feeling about a job lead, or being scared about my flight is making me appreciative of how sweet my little life it, but whatever it is, I’ll take it. I have been full of joy. I saw that last night, the moon was in Cancer, so maybe it was that? Or maybe, it’s that mixed case of French wine I bought yesterday πŸ˜‰

Anyway, this week has been lovely and flown by. I am looking forward to a run this morning, and drinks out tonight with Jack and maybe some friends. If the rain holds off, tomorrow we’ll hike by the river before I have to leave for the airport. There is a bottle of sparkling rosΓ© in the fridge to take the edge off before my travels.

I’m still trying to decide the direction for this space. “Lifestyle blog” sorta seems like a cop-out. I don’t run seriously enough to have this just be about that. I’m not especially creative or productive or handy or inspiring. I do like sharing my progress on my goals for the year, but that’s not enough content. I also like telling you about new restaurants and bars we’re trying, but that’s usually just worth a couple of posts a month. I did update my tagline, which I feel sort of gives me some direction. All things in moderation! But for now, I’ll keep being random, and keep searching for the best plan.

What interests you in a blog? What content are you hoping to find? Do you enjoy the random mullings of a stranger?

Please keep your fingers crossed for my safe travels. Hopefully I’ll be writing to you next from the PNW.

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Fear of Flying

Happy Tuesday! I’m starting to feel recovered after Saturday’s race, and I’m finally able to think about other things πŸ™‚ I’m flying to Portland this weekend for a conference for work, but lucky for me, my best friend lives there too. I’m looking forward to seeing her and visiting Portland again, but I am terribly nervous about the flight. I am basically terrified of flying. It is at a phobic level. I remember reading an article years ago about the different fears people have of flying, like whether it was related to claustrophobia or a fear of heights. “If you afraid the plane will crash and you will die, you have aviophobia.” Yep, that’s me. I know all the reasons I shouldn’t be afraid and how much safer flying is than any other mode of transportation. I’m just terrified of that time when you know the plane will crash and you will die – how scary and awful and painful that must be, and how there is nothing you can do to stop it. My heart rate is elevated just writing this 😦

I actually avoided flying for about 10 years, finally getting on a plane again five years ago for our honeymoon. I have to take several Xanax and usually drink mimosas the whole way to the airport. The last time we flew, I had to run to the bar by the gate to down a giant shot of tequila to make myself get on the plane. My adrenaline was so high I couldn’t even feel the Xanax and champagne. I’m a wreck.

I’m extra nervous this time since I’ll be flying by myself and won’t have Jack to 1) help me navigate the airport while on Xanax and 2) comfort me during the flight. I’m really excited about my trip, but all I can think about is how much I don’t want to die and how much I love my life. I always get everything sorted out and organized at home in case the plane crashes. I leave notes about our finances, logins, pets’ medications. It’s excessive for sure.

I think there is that magical thinking part of me that is like, well, if everything is ready “just in case” I die, that means it won’t really happen. If I say goodbyes and give my sister all my passwords and leave the house spotless, chances are, everything will be just fine. I am such an analytical, reasonable, and logical person, but there is a tiny crazy part of me that must believe I have some control over what happens. There have been enough times that I have predicted something random happening to make me feel like, well, maybe I am just a tiny bit psychic, or magic, or whatever. So I should listen to that part of me, right?

My logical brain knows I am just trying to control a situation over which I have no control (other than avoidance, which is no way to live). My reasonable mind knows I have a better chance of getting killed when I’m out walking my dogs, which I do twice a day with zero anxiety. But I can’t help but worry, and fear, and bargain. And most of all, pray that if I have to die in a plane crash, it at least happens on the way home so I’ve gotten to take my trip first πŸ˜‰

Advice time: Are you afraid to fly? Do you have other phobias? How do you deal with them? Is exposure therapy the best thing?